The New Balloon
Not this crap again.
Ladies and gentlemen gather 'round, for we have a tale of mystery and intrigue. We're talking about the newest mystery balloon that has captured the attention of the nation. We're also going to dive into the innovative solutions I’ve come up with.
A mysterious balloon has been spotted soaring through the skies at an altitude of about 45,000 feet. The Pentagon has confirmed that they are tracking this unidentified aerial phenomenon. Perhaps it's a new form of extraterrestrial life? Maybe it’s a Chinese spy balloon again? Dunno, but the feds say it’s currently no threat. Ha, I don’t believe anything these days, so I’m putting this story in the mind vault for later.
As the nation watches, the balloon continues its leisurely journey, causing chaos down below. Meanwhile, the government scrambles to come up with a plan to deal with this high-altitude intruder. Fear not, dear readers, for here’s my special brand of problem-solving.
Build a giant slingshot. Why waste time and resources on a complicated plan ruled by Bureaucratic Beckys when you can simply build a giant slingshot to take down the balloon? Charge money to take a shot.
Start a GoFundMe campaign. If the government is too retarded to fix this, why not crowdsource the solution? Surely, there's a wealthy benefactor out there willing to fund the capture of this elusive airborne asshole.
Create a new reality TV show called "Balloon Boys." Who needs "The Bachelor" when you can have a group of rugged, gun-toting gigachads chasing down mystery Chinese balloons floating across this once great nation? It's the perfect blend of adventure, entertainment, and patriotism.
The mystery balloon saga has provided us with a much-needed slap in the face. My solutions to this high-flying problem will work better than what the government is capable of doing. This situation joins the past in proving that even in the most ridiculous of situations, don’t expect the state to protect you.